when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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