so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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