Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
