i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i think i have two assholes
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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