If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
