I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
