seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
