: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
