I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
