I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
And then my night got REAL pukey
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
