Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
