Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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