I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
