I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
