It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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