dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
