He asked to "fluff my boner.."
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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