Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
