two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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