I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
