hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Shitshow foam night was such a success
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
