her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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