So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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