we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
