I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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