____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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