I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
