I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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