Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
