I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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