I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
