My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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