So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize