paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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