put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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