I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
