Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
