Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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