Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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