At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
