So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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