So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
