Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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