Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
