She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
