I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
