I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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