Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
