Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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