Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
