I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
