just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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