When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
