Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
