how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
