My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize