I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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