Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
