you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize