Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I puked a lego.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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