We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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