We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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