Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
